Thank you for agreeing to meet me. It means a lot to me. Thank you again!
You’ve changed since the last time I saw you. Not necessarily for the worse, don’t get me wrong. You’re cool, almost sexy. And you look younger, even though your hair has pretty much abandoned you.
I don’t believe that saying, “Dumb hair abandons a clever head.” Honestly, I believe the exact opposite. “Clever hair abandons a dumb head” — that’s the opposite, you get the idea? Come to think of it, the second version suits the head in front of me much better… sorry, the example in front of me.
Anyway, let’s be politically correct and not comment on people’s physical appearance.
And yet, what’s with all the extra weight? You look like a badger in the making… Sorry, I’ll stop. That’s it, I’ve stopped.
Let’s talk about something else. I wanted to see you. I don’t like hearing myself say this, but… I’ve missed you like hell all these years.
There were mornings when I’d wake up smelling the pillow because I thought it smelled like you. There were nights when I’d wake up shouting your name. There were years when I mentioned you in every single psychotherapy session. I don’t know whether you got the hiccups. Probably not.
I went through twelve therapists and not one of them managed to solve the case of you. Idiots. In my opinion, all psychotherapists are charlatans. They take a lot of money to convince people that it’s okay to live with this shit of a life, that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel, and that you have to accept everything that has happened to you and everyone who has wronged you. They could at least do it for less money, what the hell!?
Anyway, sorry, I got carried away. But, as they keep saying, “All feelings are valid!” All feelings are valid. What do you think?
Don’t answer. It was just a rhetorical question. I’m not interested in anything you might have to say. I don’t give a shit!
I just want to tell you that I hated you, that I hate you right now and that I’ll probably hate you until death. And beyond.
Your death, I mean, because I hope you die before I do! And once you’ve crossed over, you’d better be ready to end up in hell, because I hope you realise you don’t stand a chance of getting into the five-star all-inclusive!
That’s about everything I had to say after all these years when you never gave me any sign of life. That’s it. I’ve calmed down now.
This will probably be our last meeting. It’s a pretty good percentage so far, if you ask me: seeing each other twice in the last thirteen years.
(Pause.)
Will you please answer?
Someone has called you five times already. I counted. This is the sixth time. I appreciate the fact that you’ve at least put your phone on vibrate.
Hey! Someone’s calling. Aren’t you going to answer?
That’s fine by me. I’ve said what I had to say. “I’ll see you in another life, when we’re both cats,” as Tom Cruise said in Vanilla Sky,or Penélope, I think… Or something like that.
Give me the phone! Give it to me! Give me the phone, please!
(Takes the phone and answers.)
(On the phone.)
Yes, hello. Go ahead!
(Listens.)
He can’t talk right now. Or he doesn’t want to talk, I don’t know. Who’s asking?
(Listens.)
Who are you, exactly?
(Listens.)
Aha. I see.
(Pause.)
Me? I’m… your brother.
[For a female performer: “I’m… your sister.”]
Yeah. Okay. Sure. Why not?
(Pause.)
Sorry, I can’t talk anymore. It was nice to meet you.
(Hands him the phone.)
It’s for you, Dad!
First published today on RetroDag.
This text may be performed free of charge at auditions and entrance examinations, provided that the author is credited.